A funny thing happened on the way to the fair...a NIGGA MOMENT.

Well not to the fair, just to work. I was so upset by this because not only did it intensely annoy me, but I felt a slight tinge of racism and age-ism…let me know your thoughts.

Okay so I normally get a bacon, egg, and cheese starbucks sandwich every day before I get on the train for the retardely long ride into work. Occasionally, I take a bite or two of my sandwich because I don’t eat or drink before I get to the train, but by the time I get there, it’s about 90 minutes after I wake up and of course hours after my dinner, so I get a tad bit dizzy sometimes and might sneak a nibble from my sandwich. Yes, I know it’s illegal to eat on the metro. That law is in place to keep the subway cars and stations clean and to minimize litter. But I definitely am not littering by taking a bite out of my sandwich and putting the remainder back in the bag and back in my purse.

So I sit down on the blue line and take a bite out of my sandwich. An old white woman taps me and says “you’re not supposed to eat on the metro” I take off my headphones, and ask “’What?” halfway hearing her. She repeats herself and the random white dude sitting next to her chimes in to point at the sign.

*BITCHASSNESS PASS #1*
I am highly annoyed that she feels the need to police me, but I look at both of them, decide that neither one works for metro and say, “I know. But I just eat this before work because if I don’t, then I don’t feel good. I do this like every day and put it back in my purse. It’s fine”. Both whiteys say something else but I ignore them and put on my headphones again.

Now for those of you that don’t live with me, I am a DEMON in the morning. I have the permanent “I WISH A NIGGA WOULD” mentality in the AM. I hate waking up before 11am no matter what day it is. Every day starts out bad because I have to get up at 645 am and I do not smile, talk, or even change my facial expression before I walk into my office at 845. And especially on the train, when all I want to do is listen to some techno or house, think about my good ass weekend, catch a few extra zzzs, and people watch, the LAST thing I want to do is hold a conversation. The ABSOLUTE LAST thing I want to do is listen to someone I DON’T EVEN KNOW lecture me at 8:10 AM.
Anyways.

So 2 minutes later, I take another bite and old whitey taps me on my leg. I look at her and she says “do you want something else to eat? I have some in my bag”. WHAT IN THE FUCK.

*BITCHASSNESS PASS #2*
At this point I’m too tired to even realize she’s being sarcastic. I just think she’s a crazy old lady who just offered me some food. I politely smile like I’m looking at a special person and say, “oh, no thank you” and go back to my music.

Then all hell breaks loose.

White man breaks in with, “the sign is right there, it’s illegal! The fucking sign is RIGHT THERE”. WOAH. It’s now 812 AM, why are you cussin at me son? The 2 men behind them chime in “the sign is there, you’re not supposed to eat.” I try my best to stay calm because right now I am at my boiling point. Yes, it takes 2 minutes for me to get there and in the morning, it can be set off by the tiniest thing. I respond “ I see the sign, I’m really not even bothering anyone, can you please leave me alone.. It’s not a good morning for me” At this point, I’m quite impressed with myself. I realized the potential for a Nigga Moment as soon as the old whitey first spoke to me. I was now at the point where a Nigga Moment was virtually inevitable. I was like Sonic 2 when you stand on the edge of a cliff and Sonic goes up on his tippy toes. And if you push one button other than back, he’ll fall off the edge…that was me at 812AM.

*THE FINAL BITCHASSNESS PASS*
Now it’s sudden death. The reactions of these 4 people may decide if this train is heading in the direction of Franconia/Springfield or straight to Hell. Can you guess which destination they unknowingly chose?...
I put on my headphones AGAIN and miss most of what they’re saying, at this point, they are still yelling at me. I notice people looking, but not really with the *tisk tisk, look at that rambunctious negro girl* - look. More like the “this is so random” look, and they’re really not looking at me, they’re looking at the people yelling. These fuckers are STILL talking so it looks like they want to switch the track in the Hell direction. NIGGA MOMENT IMMINENT !!!!!

I mentally prepare myself for this, I try my best to be as articulate as possible and try not to raise my voice louder than it needs to be to reach 2 rows behind me. Partial success. I rip off my headphones and say to all of them “you know what, I find it amazing that you have the audacity to say something as if this Is really messing up your day. This isn’t even worth arguing about!” then they start yelling sommore basically not letting me finish another sentence and I focus on the main hecklers, old whitey and random whitey. I look at random whitey and say, am I really offending you right now??? Is me taking a bite out of my sandwich really messing up your day THAT bad? “ Now I know they’re just fucking with me cuz he smiles and says “Yes, I can smell it.” I’m just like “woooooooooow. You’re ridiculous.” I try to go back to putting my headphones on, but THEY KEEP YELLING. At this point my lone semi-defender steps in. A skinny tall black dude who says to old whitey “let it go, she’s gonna do what she wants to do” Then I’m just hoping against hope that she gets in an argument with him just so they’ll leave me alone and I go to put on my headphones. But whiteys CONTINUE TO YELL. Oh and they ran out of Bitchassness passes...oh well.

“ LISTEN, ITS NOT THAT FUCKING SERIOUS. WHY DON’T ALL OF YOU MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME RIDE THE TRAIN IN PEACE. I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME MAD AND FUCK MY DAY UP, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE NICE TO YALL … LEAVE ME THE FUC K ALONE !!!”

So the 2 guys who are behind the whiteys don’t say anything else after that. But whiteys continue. Random whitey says “well, it must not be hard to make you mad” smiling all smugly n shyte. Old whitey says “ cant you read the sign?” I’m like " yes I can read the sign”,

“oh, no I don’t think you can.”

STINKMEANER KICK IN THE CHEST MOMENT IMMINENT!!!!!!

I reply in my calmest, I-will-cut-your-fucking-eyeballs-out-and-use-them-as-jelly-on-this-fucking-sandwich-if-you-say-something-racist-aka-exactly-what-you’re-thinking-right-now tone,

“Oh, really. And why is that, exactly?”

The look on my face must have scared the shit out of her because she just sat back in her seat.

30 seconds later, more yelling ensued, something about me being uncivilized and so I turn the tables and say to random whitey “oh, so I’m uncivilized but you all can sit here and insult me for eating a sandwich, and curse at me”

Random whitey - - “ I didn’t curse at you. I didn’t call you anything”
Old whitey - -“no one insulted you”

So at this point I begin to pray. Seriously. I’m getting madder than I’ve ever been because, 1) No one except my parents have tried to get in a dumbass argument with me that early in the morning. And I can’t hit family members, but I don’t know these fucktards, and I’m about to lose it... And 2) they are sitting next to me like 1 inch away cuz im in the handicap seats and they’re in the forward facing seats. And the train is extra crowded. I have no escape route and 2 immediate threats nearby. I still haven’t really wyled out verbally yet and am still holding things in and I can feel my face and chest getting hot. I’m clenching my hands so tightly into fists that my nails broke the skin on my palms...



So what did I do when faced with the dilemma of kirking out on these 2 whiteys trying to ruin my day?

I cried like a bitch.

Well maybe not a bitch but 2 tears fell down my cheeks. I was beyond pissed. My hands were shaking any time I unclenched my fists. Praying wasn’t working cuz I wanted to choke the shit out of these assclowns. I’m dead-ass serious. Every time I opened my eyes I just wanted to reach to the right an go for their fucking jugulars…. Plus, I hate when people just try to do shit to me when I kno they are taking things too far, therefore when I’m right, I don’t back down. Ever. (Exhibit A: the night when a bouncer thought I snuck into the bar, when I had actually been there for 2 hours. And it took him 10 minutes to try and grab me and pick me up to throw me out. And then it took 2 additional bouncers to get ME off of his bitch ass when he shoved me, unprovoked. Refer to the scars on him as well)

Anyways…I have never been so mad and felt so helpless: If I said anything else or had any further interaction with these people, I was going to get physical. I realized I could not beat up an old lady because she’s old and then I just look like the asshole; nor could I hit the random whitey guy because if I’m in any fight and charges are filed, I lose my job automatically. And my bomb-ass salary and office with a window is not worth a starbucks sandwich. I also could not hit efficiently from my position in the seat, a slap maybe , but it was so crowded, I couldn’t even stand up to deliver the jab to the jaw these fuckos deserved.

I was really upset though. More annoyed at the fact that someone that was not metro personnel was saying something to me about eating on the train. But FURIOUS at the fact that two things happened: 1) Racism and 2)Age-ism…but mostly racism.

RACISM

Why was this racist? Well, some white people have this crazy idea that because they have historically have tyrannically ruled most of the world, then whatever they say as a singular white person, must be adhered to. I forgot to mention that at one point during the yelling when asking the whiteys if I was really offending them by eating, I said “are you mad that I’m eating or are you mad because I’m not doing what you say. I don’t have to do what you tell me.” And she says “yes you do”.

STUCK FACE. -_-

WHAAA? White people sometimes think that black people (and minorities in general) have no agency over themselves and whitey feels the need to so graciously exert their guidance upon us poor misguided negroes. Call it a generalization, but you KNOW it’s true! They’re always unnecessarily investigating things, and just sticking their noses in complete strangers’ business…and even worse, feeling that they are completely entitled to doing so. Well they can investigate DEEZ NUTZ as far as I’m concerned. I think the situation escalated because I just totally disregarded what she said, and that offended her. She was old enough to have probably called someone “colored” and it still have been politically correct in her lifetime, and probably wasn’t used to someone so readily brushing her off. Now as far as random whitey male, I dunno what his deal was. He probably has a small penis and is mad at everyone, every day. Or makes like $28,000 a year at some whack ass job. Or it could’ve been jealousy. I was skinny and pretty and nicely dressed in a suit with a Calvin Klein purse, matching suede and croc skin heels, and fierce velvet leopard-print gloves. While old whitey’s face looked like a bleached version of the grandmother oak tree in Pocahontas and she carried some canvas, desperately free bag from some old people’s convention, and random whitey is sitting there with his busted ass Rockport shoes, ashy khakis, and dusty ass Columbia jacket. Especially since she was actually “nice” I guess when she first mentioned the sign to me, but after I dismissed her, she waited and I assumed probably sized me up and decided to tap me again to make her snide “you want something else to eat” comment and then continue the remainder of her dialogue in such a nasty, condescending tone; I bet she was thinking “who does this girl think she is? Dressed all nice, thinking she’s somebody…thinkin she can just dismiss me?” In a sane person’s mind, the real question is “hey old whitey, who the hell do you think YOU are, that you need to lecture people you don’t know on the rules of the metro when it DOESN’T EVEN AFFECT YOU? Are you the fucking safety patrol of subway car 12345? Where’s your orange belt bitch?”

*Let me just say that I have a certain respect for old people. However, they think they know everything and think just because they are old, they can say whatever they want to whomever they want. I do respect their years, but respect doesn’t mean obedience. The old lady was the original antagonizer so I focused mostly on her. But had this been a woman younger than 60 AND the random whitey (who was prolly like 30-ish) I probably would have been in a holding cell at 11 AM yesterday for aggravated assault and battery with a weapon (the iPod headphones cord I would have strangled them with).*

AGEISM

I am 5 feet, ½ inch tall and weigh about 105 pounds. I’ve had people mistake me for 17 years old (I'm almost 24). It is a complete possibility that everyone who said something thought I was a child and felt the need to chastise me. I really doubt the same situation would’ve happened to any big black male with dreads and a North Face on. Humans (at least while sober) choose their battles, and usually don’t challenge someone if they think they will fail. I don’t know what they thought I was going to do. Obviously they didn’t think I was going to get as crunk as I did. I probably shouldn’t have been so polite in my first interaction. They mistook my unwillingness to have a NIGGA MOMENT as weakness.

That’s another reason why I was so mad though. I shouldn’t care what people think (on the train of all places)but unfortunately, I am socially aware enough to know that succumbing to my strong desire to coon it up in this situation would have resulted in an automatic LOSS for my self-respect. Do I call an old lady a bitch? No, I was raised better than that, but OOOOOHHH did I wanna cal her old fortune-teller lookin ass a STUPID FUCKING BITCH so bad…And every insult that I’ve written in this blog about them (wait, is it an insult if it’s true? I really haven’t exaggerated ANY part of this story…hmm); had I said it during the train ride, I probably could not have delivered them in any type of normal tone of voice, or normal volume.; nor could I have said one more sentence to them while seated. It would have been an in-your-face, you-touch-me-and-I-will-break-yo-MUTHFUCKIN-hand-off, people scattering with the “oh shit, sumthin’s bout to pop-off” look, just overall bad situation.

In the end, I think I emerged the victor. On the train today, I got off at Foggy Bottom as usual and a girl (who looked like Precious, I swear) tapped me and said, “oh, you didn’t have any problems today?” with a smile. At first I was like huh? And then realized she must’ve been on the same train yesterday. I said, “Oh you saw that craziness over a sandwich?” and she says, “yeah, those people were ridiculous. I’ve never seen anyone act like that before. It was not that serious.” Then another dude in front of me was like “yeah I saw that too yesterday. Crazy”.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I did eat the rest of my sandwich on the train. If I couldn’t say anything else to them, a non-verbal “fuck you” still sufficed.

=)